The Ribbon Eaters: Who Are They?

bunnies
These aren’t the bunnies my kids have, but you can tell that it has a REAL FUCKING RIBBON around its neck. Right??????

I got home early from work today. All alone in the house.

Just me, the animals …

And a shit ton of Easter candy.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? These kids will never even notice anything’s gone.

As I’m inspecting the stash, I notice something strange about the giant chocolate bunny my kids have eaten the ears off of. First, the front of its box states that it is

 

Hollow
MILK CHOCOLATE

Flavored

Which, what does that even mean? Chocolate flavored WHAT????? Gross. I don’t even want to know.

But that’s not the weirdest thing about it. The bunny has a green ribbon tied around its neck, made of satin or whatever the hell they make ribbons out of. Like, it’s a legit ribbon. Any dummy could see that.

However, the warning on the side panel of the box states, “DECORATIVE RIBBON IS NOT EDIBLE.”

Do you realize what this means? They had to put that warning on there because at some point, some dumbass ATTEMPTED TO EAT THE RIBBON. I know. I can’t believe it, either. So what happened was, either this person is so clueless on the way the world works, they thought it was food, choked and sued the company that makes the milk chocolate flavored bunnies. OR … this person was so SMART that they realized there was NO warning NOT to eat the ribbon, so they tried eating it, feigned choking, the lawsuit followed, and BAM, the rest of us are being treated like Grade A morons.

Either way, my mind is kind of blown. That I live in the same world, breathe the same air, as The Ribbon Eaters. I just … I … I can’t.

Just when I think I understand humanity, something like this comes along and shows me that I know nothing.

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