Karma Boomerang

My kids’ last day of school was last Wednesday. By Friday, they were constantly at each other’s last nerve, not to mention mine, so I took them to SkyZone to blow off some steam.

We were there no more than 20 minutes of our allotted hour when the phone rang. It was my mother-in-law.

“I hate to be a busybody, but I just drove past your house and your side door was wide open. I assume you were just coming in and out of the house, but I wanted to check.”

Um, I was at Skyzone, no one else was home, and I have three indoor cats, one of whom is terrified of humans and would never be seen again if she escaped (most of my family would probably not really care about this). So this was a BIG FUCKING DEAL. My MIL just had knee surgery so I couldn’t ask her to go searching through iced-over snowbanks to find my stupid felines. I called a friend who lived nearby and then I pulled the kids out of their dodgeball game to speed home.

I second-and third-guessed myself on the way home. I KNOW I locked the door and closed it behind me. So, did someone break in? What was I going to come home to?

About halfway home, I got a text from my mother-in-law. “All’s well. I think the anasthesia is still messing with me. Sorry for the confusion.”

The fuck?

So she basically hallucinated that my door was ajar. And then I wasted 30 bucks at Skyzone, got my friend and her husband all up in arms, basically for nothing. I was pissed. Salty.

Welp, karma’s a bitch. One stupid turn deserves another.

I am at work today, which really sucks, but I drove up the street to grab some lunch. I noticed that this weird guy was walking into the place where I was planning on going to, so I got Snapchat ready on my phone because I’m an asshole. I hurried out of my car so I could get the snap.

But what I also did was throw my keys on the passenger seat, and then lock the car using the manual button. Hello? Locked out of the car. I guess I deserve it for making fun of someone. Luckily my husband is off work, and he is SO THRILLED to have to come to my office to pick me up and drive me back to my car (I had to walk back to the office from lunch, which was my way of punishing myself for being so dumb.)

I hereby relinquish my  rights to make fun of anyone for the rest of the week. If I can go that long.

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Coco-nuts

My youngest child has very odd taste in food. He thinks it’s a treat to go to the health food store and pick something out. He comes home with all sorts of oddities: star fruit, melons, a giant cabbage one time, and tonight … a coconut.

Somehow, even though my husband took him to the store, it became MY job to figure out how to open up the coconut. Read a wiki, got the coconut milk out, and then took it out to the driveway to smash it open with a hammer. Success! But then, all the meat of the coconut was still attached to the shell.

No problem, I thought. I’ll just jimmy it out with a knife. A sharp knife. Great idea, right?

My husband walked by my operation and I asked him what he thought the odds were that I was going to injure myself. He just chuckled, which I knew meant 100%. I agreed. It was a matter of time.

I think it was less than 30 seconds later that the knife slipped out of my hand and I stabbed myself in the other hand. In the palm. I cried out in pain. “What’s the matter?” my husband called from the other room. “Stabbed myself,” I answered.

At first I didn’t see blood, but then I SAW  BLOOD AND LOTS OF IT. For a tiny little puncture, that fucker bled like crazy. But I totally deserved it. That was a dumbass move and I paid the price. Pro tip: don’t jimmy out coconut meat with a sharp knife. I don’t have another answer for you at present. I have to stop hemorrhaging blood so I can figure it out.


One day later …

Still about half of the coconut meat needed to come out, so thought I was going to be smart and just smash it into bits so I wouldn’t sustain any more injuries. I took a huge piece of coconut to the driveway and threw it to the ground with gusto.

The shell back bounced up toward me so I went to stop it from hitting my face and/or vital organs with my OTHER hand. The shell was all jaggedy so when I put my hand out to stop it, I got rewarded with more lacerations.

Conclusion: coconuts are dangerous, and should be outlawed.

People are losing their shit over these cicadas, yo.

cicada
Hey girl hayyyyy!

Like an ex-boyfriend who texts you out of the blue, the cicadas are returning to the surface of the Earth this week after a 17-year underground vacay. And people are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT about it. I guess if you haven’t seen something in 17 years, it’s kind of a big deal, especially when the “something” is a huge, disgusting looking bug creature and about 50 billion of its closest friends coming to have a party in your backyard.

I think it’s creepy AF, to be honest, that these things have been LIVING UNDERNEATH US THIS WHOLE TIME. I had no idea! I’ve been just living my life for the past 17 years just completely chill, unaware that the ground below me is swarming with these hard-shelled alienlike insects.

I was at the hair salon tonight, and there were at least three separate conversations about cicadas that I heard. Including the one that I had with my stylist. Basically everyone is completely weirded out that this is even a thing. And how do people know that they’re coming THIS WEEK? Was there a Facebook event set up for it? 1,000,000,000,000 cicadas replied “Yes” to “RETURNING TO THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!” scheduled for May 25 at 9 a.m. Who exactly has been in contact with the underground cicada network to know their comings and goings?

I don’t know if this has anything to do with the cicadas, but dogs are losing their everloving minds today. I know of four dogs that ran away today. My dog was trying to dig under a rock near my driveway and then did a full-body roll on the dirt she was able to excavate. Is she hearing some almost-surfaced cicada that she was trying to dig up? I hear that dogs will eat them, which is just super gross. Dogs eat a lot of gross things – for instance, poop – but a live cicada is next-level nasty.

They haven’t made an appearance in my neighborhood … yet … but I am on the lookout for them. I feel like I might wake up one morning and they will have moved in to the house. Maybe one will cook me breakfast. Maybe one will clean the house. Probably not, but that would be pretty cool if they did. I mean, if they’re just going to be around for a little bit and then disappear again for another 17 years, the least they could do is contribute to society like the rest of us.

 

My big night out … in the ER

I have this big problem now that I’m 40. Well, it probably started a few years ago, but now more so than ever.

Every time I have any symptom outside of a cold, I automatically assume I’m dying. And you know what? I’m going to be right one of these times.

I have a few health issues that make me more sensitive to changes in my body than the average person, so that’s part of it. But the other part is just that I’m completely insane.

Last night I was having these extreme coughing jags where I was almost making myself throw up. All that hacking also gave me some severe chest pain. My husband convinced me that it wasn’t a heart attack, but I thought maybe I was having an asthma attack or something like that (I’ve never been diagnosed with asthma). The coughing stopped for about an hour and then came back with a vengeance, and it felt like someone was stabbing me. After WebMD told me I was likely already dead, and additional googling of symptoms basically foretold my doom, I decided it was time to hop in the car and drive to my local emergency room.

I’m no stranger to this place. They practically know me there. It’s not something I’m proud of, but them’s the facts.

When they were acting more concerned with my cough than my chest pain, I relaxed a little bit. They decided they wanted to give me a breathing treatment, do xrays and bloodwork as more of a precaution. I fired up some Netflix on my iPad and enjoyed being a room to myself without kids asking me to get up and get them a glass of milk, or some spicy Cheez-It’s. Actually, it was starting to feel like I had booked myself into a weirdly-themed spa.

Then the (nurse? murse? intern?) knocked on my curtained-off room, saying he was there to take me to get my xray. The curtain parted and it was fucking Joe Manganiello in a pair of scrubs. I got off the hospital bed and he seemed shocked that I was going to walk myself to the room. As he was not equipped with a wheelchair or anything, I’m not sure what his plan was to transport me there. Maybe he would have carried me? I should have pretended to faint or something. I was hoping he’d reprise his routine from Magic Mike, but no dice. He did, however, basically look at my boobs because he did the chest xray. Granted, he was standing in the other room, but I hope he liked what he saw.

He took me back to my room and left, which is a shame, because I’m sure I could have come up with other body parts we could have x rayed. Anyway, I again just settled in for some quality Netflix time on the bed that was perfectly angled for optimum comfort.

And quite some time went by where nothing happened. I think I got through an episode of “Once Upon a Time” without anyone checking on me.

Then I had to pee.

I should also mention that by this point, I was hooked up to an IV and they had a bag of saline going. And I was rocking a hospital gown, open in the back, and my jeans.

I hit the call button and they had to rig my IV pole thing and I had to take that with me. So I was looking good strolling down the hall of the ER to the restoom. They informed me that someone was in there, so I stood outside, waiting.

And the scariest person in the world came out. I don’t want to discriminate but this person definitely looked like an addict of some sort. He looked high AF. His eyes wouldn’t even focus, and he dropped off a pee sample at the nurse’s desk. I’m not trying to judge, but I can’t think of many other reasons a guy this young would have been an ER patient. So THAT’s who used the toilet right before me. I have to tell you, it was almost enough to make me hold it til I got home. I reallllllllly had to go though.

Finally, my results came back and thankfully there was nothing seriously wrong with me. Other than my lungs were spasming from all the coughing, so much so that I needed an inhaler. They let me go home, and at this point I was ready for bed anyway. I had enough Netflix time. But when I got to the parking lot, I started coughing so hard, I thought my lung was going to come out on the pavement. I guess I should have gone back in to see if Joe Manganiello was still there to help me out.

Welp, I missed this memo.

My son had his first baseball game last weekend. It was a tournament so we started early in the day. In April, it’s hard to know how to dress for outdoor activities, because you could start out freezing and go to 70, 75 degrees in the afternoon.

For the morning, I opted for skinny jeans, sneakers, a sweatshirt with a t-shirt underneath. I thought that was fairly standard attire for attending a ballgame.

So then, every other mom shows up in goddamn yoga pants like everyone had agreed to meet at the gym, work out and then come to the game. It was like a basic white bitch convention. EVERY OTHER MOM was in yoga pants. I honestly didn’t know this was a thing. And I’m definitely not saying that every mom in this group has the body to be wearing yoga pants in public. A few do, a few don’t. But, to a person, every mom was rocking yoga pants. And then some kind of athletic top.

It was like waking up from a nightmare and realizing Sporty Spice was the cool one all along, and not Scary like you had thought.

I needed someone to back me up. So I quickly texted my closest friend since grade school, someone who is my partner in pointing out the faults in others, therefore making ourselves feel superior. “Why the F is every other mom at this baseball game wearing yoga pants? Did I miss this memo?”

I expected a “LOL” from her or even a “LMAO” or a “Yoga pants are the worst!” But instead, I got, “IDK, yoga pants are all I wear anymore.”

WHAT???

Somehow I have missed out on what appears to be an ACTUAL THING that people are doing. People are wearing yoga pants OUTSIDE THE YOGA STUDIO??? How did I not notice this happening before? Now I really feel like I’m alone in the world if my BFF has also succumbed to the yoga pants-wearing trend.

I feel very self-conscious in yoga pants. I feel like my butt is on display, and I’m not ok with that. If I’m going to rock them, I like to wear a longer shirt that covers the ass. And honestly, I don’t own a ton of longer shirts. And yoga pants aren’t cheap! I can’t afford to re-do my entire wardrobe with this in mind.

And I also don’t want to seem like I’m just giving in to the trend, either. I don’t want to show up at the next game totally decked out like I’m about to run a 5k. (Believe me, I’m not).

At the same time, I don’t want to be the weird mom, hanging out in her mom jeans, not cool enough to go to Starbucks with the other moms. This is a true conundrum. I am so conflicted.

Another small step (backward) for parent-kind

There are plenty of model parents in this world. I see their Instagram posts, their Pinterest boards, their just general fucking smugness about how they have this all figured out. Meanwhile I’m over here like, how many days ago did they take showers?

So in order to understand what I’m about to share with you, you need to be familiar with this video. I don’t quite get the humor, but if you are a fifth grader, this is like the most hilarious thing to quote.

My friends, I’ve always said that when opportunity knocks, you answer. And opportunity knocked for me a few days ago.

I had ordered some raw almonds online from Trader Joe’s because there’s not one close to me, I like their almonds, and I JUST DID, OK? I got it through Amazon Prime, so, free shipping. Bonus for me. I checked the mail after I got home. I had my box from Amazon, which I opened when I got inside the house. Both my kids were sitting on the couch, using their electronic apparati, when I walked into the room.

“Hey guys, guess what came in the mail today?” I said, barely even able to say this with a straight face.

“What?” they both asked, probably hoping it was a video game for them or something.

Triumphantly holding up the bag of almonds, I replied, “DEEZ NUTS! GOTTEM!” and then I cracked myself up laughing. The six year old laughed, and the 10 year old basically just gave me a SMH face.

I call that a win. I don’t know what you call it. Immature, probably.

 

The Ribbon Eaters: Who Are They?

bunnies
These aren’t the bunnies my kids have, but you can tell that it has a REAL FUCKING RIBBON around its neck. Right??????

I got home early from work today. All alone in the house.

Just me, the animals …

And a shit ton of Easter candy.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? These kids will never even notice anything’s gone.

As I’m inspecting the stash, I notice something strange about the giant chocolate bunny my kids have eaten the ears off of. First, the front of its box states that it is

 

Hollow
MILK CHOCOLATE

Flavored

Which, what does that even mean? Chocolate flavored WHAT????? Gross. I don’t even want to know.

But that’s not the weirdest thing about it. The bunny has a green ribbon tied around its neck, made of satin or whatever the hell they make ribbons out of. Like, it’s a legit ribbon. Any dummy could see that.

However, the warning on the side panel of the box states, “DECORATIVE RIBBON IS NOT EDIBLE.”

Do you realize what this means? They had to put that warning on there because at some point, some dumbass ATTEMPTED TO EAT THE RIBBON. I know. I can’t believe it, either. So what happened was, either this person is so clueless on the way the world works, they thought it was food, choked and sued the company that makes the milk chocolate flavored bunnies. OR … this person was so SMART that they realized there was NO warning NOT to eat the ribbon, so they tried eating it, feigned choking, the lawsuit followed, and BAM, the rest of us are being treated like Grade A morons.

Either way, my mind is kind of blown. That I live in the same world, breathe the same air, as The Ribbon Eaters. I just … I … I can’t.

Just when I think I understand humanity, something like this comes along and shows me that I know nothing.

Nerd Alert

My husband said that I shouldn’t tell this story because it’s embarrassing. But honestly, if anyone’s going to embarrass me, it’s going to be me. So here we go.

I took my kids to Game Stop to sell back a bunch of games. My older kid picked the new UFC game for PS4. We brought it up to the counter and the (female) Game Stop worker asked us if we watched WWE.

“We used to,” I said, which is the truth. It’s been probably two years since my older son was hard core into WWE. And by “my older son,” I mean, my husband and I.

“Do you know who Shane McMahon is?” she asked.

“Yeah, he’s Vince’s son,” I answered. Already showing my WWE chops.

“Well, he gets to fight Undertaker at Wrestlemania and if he wins, Vince is going to give him WWE,” she informed me.

“Oh, ok,” I said, losing interest. Like, just ring me out, weirdo.

“Of course,” she continued, “He’s going to lose because Undertaker has never lost at Wrestlemania.”

FALSE. And I cannot believe I am having this conversation, but here it goes, because the next thing I say is, “Well, he did lose the one time. To …” and then amazingly, no joke, I can’t remember who it was he lost to. Fortunately my child filled in the name: Brock Lesnar.

“Oh, that’s right,” Game Stop Chick said. “Well, that was just the one time. He probably won’t lose again.”

“No, probably not,” I said, swiping my card through the reader thing and wishing none of this had happened.

 

My new least favorite airport

Charlotte, congratulations.

You have just surpassed Atlanta Hartsfield as my most-hated airport. (I once had to almost spend the night in the Atlanta airport and I have not forgotten. Luckily I was on the company dime so I was able to get a hotel room and get the hell out of there.)

I just took a trip to Myrtle Beach, and then from there to Charleston. Both my flight there and home included a stop in Charlotte.

On the way there, our flight had three gate changes and then about a two hour delay due to some mechanical issue. Myself and the other unfortunate souls to be on this flight were traipsing around terminal E each time they told us to go somewhere else. It was like musical chairs but with a plane.

Then, on the way back, my flight from Charleston to Charlotte was delayed – first by a half hour and then an hour. As a result I missed my connecting flight and had to wait for the next one. So I had to spend several hours in Charlotte, waiting. I did grab an Auntie Anne’s pretzel dog for dinner, which was the highlight, and they also have Starbucks, so that was another plus. But other than that, it was complete misery.

I tried to kill some time by getting a manicure at the spa but they were booked up until it was almost time for me to board. It was cutting it too close. The spa looked pretty empty to me so I’m not sure who had an appointment, but, so much for that.

The free WiFi was a total joke. The second I connected to it, I couldn’t get anything to work. Not Facebook, not a browser, I couldn’t Tweet. So I switched back to using my data (so I’ll probably have a huge bill this month – thanks, Charlotte).

And last but not least, WHY THE F ARE THERE BATHROOM ATTENDANTS? What service are they performing, exactly? During my stop on the way to Myrtle Beach, the attendant WELCOMED ME to the restroom. Uh, thanks, I guess? I’m just here to pee, not have a four-course meal. And I should tip her for that? Another bathroom attendant handed me a paper towel as I was washing my hands. Something I could have easily done for myself. Not tipping you for that. And the final bathroom attendant I encountered did NOTHING. So please tell me why these people are employed? At least give me a mint, or something like that. Nope. I mean, I guess I’m glad they have jobs or whatever, but seriously, I could stand in a restroom with a tip jar if that’s all it takes to make a little cash on the side.

I was never so glad when the plane took off last night and brought me home.

 

 

Why do drunk people love me so much?

I went to a concert at House of Blues Friday night. It was an 80’s cover band. I’ve seen them before and I was looking forward to going. I wore some leggings with a long top over them, and almost went for the legwarmers, but I just felt like a fraud when I put them on. Plus my husband wasn’t into dressing up at all. He did put on a Def Leppard t-shirt just to be in the spirit of things, I suppose.

Prior to the concert, I was having dinner in the bar with my hubby. We were sitting at a high top table which afforded a great view of the bar itself, a small stage in which a super cheesy DJ was administering karaoke as well as random contests, all 80’s-themed. I noticed that the people coming in to the bar were not only in costume, but were DRUNK AF. Maybe drunk isn’t even the right word. Crunked? Hammered? Plastered? Fit-shaced? Just horribly, horribly wasted. And I’m not talking about your typical 20-something bar-goer. These were 40 and 50 somethings who obvi can’t hold their liquor anymore because it was 7 p.m. on a Friday night and the concert didn’t even start for two more hours.

So, side note: the DJ asked a trivia question about the song he played and said that anyone who could identify the artist would win tickets to an upcoming show. Within the first note I was like, duh, it’s “Shattered Dreams” by Johnny Hates Jazz. Welp, no one else knew the answer although a few tried. I didn’t even want the tickets but won ’em because, BAM. Everyone must know what 80’s prowess I have.

Had I been with a group of wasted MILFs I might have gone for the karaoke. But I’m still recovering from the plague, and may have mortified my husband, so I withheld. Had I taken the stage, the patrons of the HOB bar would have heard my rendition of “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall and Oates.

Anyway. Back to this high-top table and the crunked patrons. Now you’d think if you saw a couple sitting at a table together, drinks and food being consumed, that this meant, eh, probably not good candidates to sidle up to and tell your life story to. You’d assume incorrectly. This particularly raucous group was standing at the bar not far from where we were. I looked over at them briefly and one of the gentlemen caught my eye and mouthed the name of the 80’s band, questioningly. I nodded. I guess that was the signal for them to invade us because the next thing I know, this woman, probably about 45, overtook us and in about five minutes, I knew more about her than I know about most of my co-workers who I’ve known for five years. She was BLACKOUT drunk. I saw her in the restroom of the venue maybe an hour later and she had ZERO recognition.

She seemed to really like me. I don’t know why. She was very concerned that I, too, wasn’t drunk. Then she didn’t like that I said I was from Cleveland even though I’m more toward Akron. Then she didn’t like that I said I grew up in the eastern suburbs because she grew up in Lakewood. (East side vs. west side = gangsta shit.) But even after all that, she felt confident enough in me to tell me about her children, where she lives now, the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade and the fact that she’s Irish, she went to Catholic school (so did I! Our first thing in common!) and then apologized profusely for how drunk she was. And in the next breath was #sorrynotsorry for being drunk. Oh man, she was a mess. Finally, I’m not sure how, she wandered away from us. Maybe she got bored. Or maybe her attention span was for shit. The next thing I know, she is headed for the karaoke stage. While she didn’t grab the mic, she did provide some strange, non-rhythmic backup dancing to the poor soul who was trying to deliver some Huey Lewis to the people.

Inside the show, I actually tried NOT to stand anywhere near her. I didn’t want to be vomited on, and that chick was definitely headed for Vomitsville. Her group was toward the front of the stage, and I was in the back. About an hour into the show, a large group in the front was escorted out by security. I’m pretty sure it was her group.

I honestly believe that I may have been the only person in the entire venue who was there for the music. It was like a drunken, neon-colored frat party. And yet, the entire time I was watching the show, singing along, nodding my head, etc., I was also thinking: THIS IS THE DREAM. Because it’s always been my dream to be in an 80’s cover band, as long as I’ve been able to play the guitar. And maybe it would play well with my ability to attract drunk people to me. If I was the singer in the band, I would at least be on stage, above the fray, lessening the chance of being barfed on.

I think I’m on to something!