The Ribbon Eaters: Who Are They?

These aren’t the bunnies my kids have, but you can tell that it has a REAL FUCKING RIBBON around its neck. Right??????

I got home early from work today. All alone in the house.

Just me, the animals …

And a shit ton of Easter candy.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? These kids will never even notice anything’s gone.

As I’m inspecting the stash, I notice something strange about the giant chocolate bunny my kids have eaten the ears off of. First, the front of its box states that it is




Which, what does that even mean? Chocolate flavored WHAT????? Gross. I don’t even want to know.

But that’s not the weirdest thing about it. The bunny has a green ribbon tied around its neck, made of satin or whatever the hell they make ribbons out of. Like, it’s a legit ribbon. Any dummy could see that.

However, the warning on the side panel of the box states, “DECORATIVE RIBBON IS NOT EDIBLE.”

Do you realize what this means? They had to put that warning on there because at some point, some dumbass ATTEMPTED TO EAT THE RIBBON. I know. I can’t believe it, either. So what happened was, either this person is so clueless on the way the world works, they thought it was food, choked and sued the company that makes the milk chocolate flavored bunnies. OR … this person was so SMART that they realized there was NO warning NOT to eat the ribbon, so they tried eating it, feigned choking, the lawsuit followed, and BAM, the rest of us are being treated like Grade A morons.

Either way, my mind is kind of blown. That I live in the same world, breathe the same air, as The Ribbon Eaters. I just … I … I can’t.

Just when I think I understand humanity, something like this comes along and shows me that I know nothing.


So much for family tradition!

Today, Good Friday, has become the day each year that my boys and I decorate Easter eggs. We’re home all day and the kids quickly run out of things to do which don’t involve emulating WWE superstars. So, why not spend an hour of togetherness and harmony, coloring eggs and reflecting on the season of Easter?

My ultra-dumb cats were hands down the most excited for this project. Especially my black cat, Mack. He’s obsessed with eggs being cracked, and remnants of eggshells are his favorite. He watched the entire project with interest. The other two were around, but none as jazzed as he. Here’s Aero/Duck (see My Cats Are Assholes for an explanation of his name) looking at the finished work with disdain.

Duck Easter 2015

My kids were slightly less enthusiastic. My oldest was gung ho at first, but by the time he dropped his third egg into the vinegar-infested coffee mug, he announced that he was bored and going outside. That left me and the five-year-old to finish the job. He lost interest as soon as all the eggs were dipped into a color, and was not interested in the least in applying stickers or doing any sort of cool, multi-colored effects. So I had to finish by myself, and truth be told, I really didn’t do anything fancy. We made 18 eggs, of which probably half will be eaten (and that’s even being generous). The refrigerator stinks of vinegar and egg each time you open it.

While decorating, I made a few observations about egg decorating that I thought I’d share:

  • There’s always one tablet that doesn’t dissolve. This year, it was yellow. That thing stayed intact through the whole decorating process. The color itself was fine, but the tablet was basically whole when I dumped it down the sink.
  • The Paas people have tried to make their product last beyond Easter by making these stupid-ass games like memory with six pieces. Just save me the paper and charge me the same. I don’t even care.
  • The wrap things that you can shrink wrap onto the egg. Tried this one year. They don’t tell you that you can’t color the egg first because all the dye will wash off in the boiling water. Maybe they assume we’re smart enough to figure this out? They would assume WRONG.
  • I miss the wax crayon. Do they still make that? You could write stuff like “Daddy Smells” on the egg and it wouldn’t be revealed until later. Bring back the wax crayon and take out those stupid games. And the egg stands. Those flimsy things can’t even fulfill their purpose.

I see these egg decorating things on Pinterest and I can’t even. Or using food coloring. Sure, that sounds great – I’m sure half my kitchen table would end up looking like a rainbow threw up on it. My hands, too. And I’m sure my eggs would look JUST like the pics I see. #nailedit!

I think I’ll stick with the tried and true, cheap method that only takes a bit of cleanup. After this year, I thought this would probably be my last year doing it, as it seemed like no one enjoyed it. However, I think the tradition isn’t just about togetherness – it’s about trying to figure out how to bend that stupid wand, it’s about not noticing an egg is cracked, it’s about the stupid kit and all the stupid stuff I just complained about above. It’s about throwing uneaten eggs out a few weeks later. Because even though it lasted all of five minutes, we still came together as a family to mark the coming of another holiday. And because I think the cats would really be sad if we didn’t.