Like an ex-boyfriend who texts you out of the blue, the cicadas are returning to the surface of the Earth this week after a 17-year underground vacay. And people are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT about it. I guess if you haven’t seen something in 17 years, it’s kind of a big deal, especially when the “something” is a huge, disgusting looking bug creature and about 50 billion of its closest friends coming to have a party in your backyard.
I think it’s creepy AF, to be honest, that these things have been LIVING UNDERNEATH US THIS WHOLE TIME. I had no idea! I’ve been just living my life for the past 17 years just completely chill, unaware that the ground below me is swarming with these hard-shelled alienlike insects.
I was at the hair salon tonight, and there were at least three separate conversations about cicadas that I heard. Including the one that I had with my stylist. Basically everyone is completely weirded out that this is even a thing. And how do people know that they’re coming THIS WEEK? Was there a Facebook event set up for it? 1,000,000,000,000 cicadas replied “Yes” to “RETURNING TO THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!” scheduled for May 25 at 9 a.m. Who exactly has been in contact with the underground cicada network to know their comings and goings?
I don’t know if this has anything to do with the cicadas, but dogs are losing their everloving minds today. I know of four dogs that ran away today. My dog was trying to dig under a rock near my driveway and then did a full-body roll on the dirt she was able to excavate. Is she hearing some almost-surfaced cicada that she was trying to dig up? I hear that dogs will eat them, which is just super gross. Dogs eat a lot of gross things – for instance, poop – but a live cicada is next-level nasty.
They haven’t made an appearance in my neighborhood … yet … but I am on the lookout for them. I feel like I might wake up one morning and they will have moved in to the house. Maybe one will cook me breakfast. Maybe one will clean the house. Probably not, but that would be pretty cool if they did. I mean, if they’re just going to be around for a little bit and then disappear again for another 17 years, the least they could do is contribute to society like the rest of us.