Pinterest makes me feel like shit about myself

I have lost interest in Pinterest. Truth be told, I never really understood what all the fuss was about. I had friends who were just all “Pinterest is the BEST THING EVER” and spent hours, literally hours, combing the site for the top 10 kid’s crafts made from fingernail clippings and how to upcycle old melon rinds into a stunning chandelier.

Women were joining in droves and starting to pin their little hearts out. It became yet one more venue for me to feel inadequate as a parent. It’s bad enough I have to see all the perfect little families of my high school friends who are so #blessed with their annoying little asshole kids on Facebook. Now I have Pinterest to thank for the fact that these same people make heart-shaped sandwiches to pack in their little shitheads’ lunches whereas my deprived little ones are buying because I didn’t have time to go to the store and get lunch meat.

I’m not saying I was never into it. When it first was a thing, I’d be on there checking out what my friends were pinning. I tried the mason jar candle thing when that was big. I’ve done some things with Mod Podge. I didn’t even know what Mod Podge was before Pinterest.

Now it’s just a barren wasteland where all I see is sponsored content. Once again the marketers have ruined everything. (I’m in marketing, so I can say that.)

The worst? I personally hold Pinterest responsible for the fact that I now have to hide a friggin’ felt Elf doll for 24 days in a row – often after I’ve started to drift off to sleep, where I awake in a cold sweat, remembering that Cookie – its goddamn name is Cookie – is still in the same lame spot I put him in the night before. People have a lot of time on their hands if they can create a skating rink for their Elf, or knit it a goddamn scarf. My Elf moved from the basement to the kitchen and back to the basement, occasionally doing shit like drawing a Minion face on a banana – thank you Pinterest – because I didn’t have time for this other nonsense. Who are you parents that do? Three words: get a job. Don’t get me started on the Elf. It has caused me more pain and suffering than I care to discuss.

Back to Pinterest.

You know the #nailedit hashtag? Where people post the shit they tried to bake based on recipes they found online? THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. There’s no way I can make a tye-die cookie look like your fucking blog post. I shouldn’t even try. Or pancakes shaped like stuff. My pancakes will be shaped like blobs, and they will taste delicious, TYVM.

I just start to feel like a failure when I see some of this stuff. I should be able to follow simple instructions. And yet, some of the projects I have attempted off Pinterest look like my cat put them together. (Note to self: look up “crafts for cats” on Pinterest because I’m sure they  exist. I can make my cats feel inadequate as well.)

Can we all just go back to when we traced our hand and made a turkey and called it a Thanksgiving? Or when we linked strips of paper together for a Christmas garland? I’m not going to strand together popcorn or glaze it with glitter. Can I just buy Halloween decorations at the store?

I come away from Pinterest completely depressed. I’m depriving my kids of holiday joy by not coming up with some over-the-top craft/recipe/gift wrap. Listen. I can barely dress myself in the morning. I bake cookies from a roll of dough. I hate my crock pot and everything made in it. I don’t believe in casserole for breakfast. If I want a fancy pizza I will order it. I don’t want to know any uses for kale, let alone 25.

That being said, while scrolling through Pinterest to find things to hate on for this post, I pinned like six things that I legit want to do.

 

 

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