Oh, man.

For some reason, I have more guy friends than girl friends. Now my CLOSEST friends are still women, but if I’m going to go shoot the shit, I’m probably going to go talk to a guy. There’s just less drama, I can joke around, and I’m just more at ease with men than with women.

But men, here’s a word of advice. Even if you have a chick friend, never, NEVER tell her what I was just told by one of my boys (the “hey asshole” guy, actually!):

“You’re just one of the guys!”

No.

No woman wants to be known as “one of the guys” by her guy friends. Even though I think he meant it as a compliment. Like, I think that what he meant was that they can say anything around me and I don’t get offended. When I’m around them, words like “shit stain” and “nut sac” tend to come out of mouth. I agree it’s not ladylike. But I do it for the laugh factor, not because I want them to think of me as an ACTUAL DUDE.

Add to this that we were out at a Mexican restaurant a few weeks ago, and it was me and three guys at lunch. The waiter clearly only knew enough English to understand basic restaurant requests such as “refill” and “where is the bathroom?” But other than that, not great at basic conversation. So, while he was taking our order, he got to me and he said, “And for you, sir?” I kind of looked at the other guys thinking that he meant one of them. But he was looking expectantly at me. So I went ahead and ordered. Later in the meal, he came back and called me sir again for some reason, which everyone else at the table thought was HILARIOUS. Like, did he just not know how to address a woman, or did he think I was a guy? I have long hair, decent-sized boobs and may have even been wearing a dress. Just, what?

So now I’m getting a complex. Do I need to step up my girl game? Should I stop with the gutter talk and instead, fan myself whenever the conversation gets racy? That’s just not me. But I guess I need to do something to indicate that I do not, in fact, have a penis.

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