Spider Update

I got a text yesterday from my husband regarding the sexual activity of the funnel weaver.

Apparently our new overlord(ess) went on the eight-legged equivalent of Tinder, used one of the eight legs to swipe right on some hottie weaver dude, flirted for a bit, met up for drinks and then got busy in its funnel. My husband was running late for work but wondered if she was going to eat him after they did the nasty.

Now, in case you’re not familiar with what happens after a spider mates, let me fill you in. They lay a crapload of eggs, from which babies hatch. BABY FUNNEL WEAVERS. My house will soon be enveloped in funnel webs from the offspring of this one-night stand (not sure if it ended in death, btw – only one spider is in the funnel now).

Also, came home one evening this week and noticed that in the area right under my porch light, there were all these brown specks. Upon closer examination I realized those were the dead bodies of thousands of bugs. Because the funnel weaver has a friend, and it’s fucking huge too…

spider

That is the actual spider. Just look at the carnage around him. What a psychopath! He just keeps the bodies of his victims right in his HOUSE. This is even just a small portion of the entire web and its contents.

If I wasn’t serious before about abandoning my house, I think I only have a few more days until it is completely claimed by these arachnids. On the flip side, I won’t have to decorate for Halloween this year.

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