For Sale: My house and all its contents, ready for immediate move-in

So I’m over here just going about the business of, you know, living my life, and then this little fucker decides to take up residence in my window.

Hello and welcome to my funnel of death. I keel you now.
Hello and welcome to my funnel of death. I keel you now.

That, friends, is a funnel weaver (not actually the one in my window, because I was not getting close enough to that bastard to take its pic). It’s a charming little spider that weaves a goddamn FUNNEL WEB OF DEATH. And it did so on my window sill! Its little vortex is full of the remains of its prey – namely stink bugs, small children, a micropig and possibly cattle.

So I am offering my house and everything in it to anyone who wants it. First come, first served. I am willing to walk away from it, and take my family with me, because obviously I don’t want anything to do with this abomination. How is this a thing? As if normal, octagonal-ish web-spinning spiders weren’t horrifying enough, there’s one that makes a funnel? #nopenopenopenopenope

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