Ew, you gross, dirty perv.
That is what I meant by the title. Not … whatever you were thinking. And you should be ashamed of yourself! Hey, you went there. Not me.
Pro tip: do NOT sit anywhere near me at a child’s baseball game. You endanger your own life and the lives of any loved ones you bring with you. Best to leave me alone in the middle of an untended field and let me fend for myself.
All this season, I have been like Charlie from “Lost” when he was supposed to die a bunch of times but then he made it until he was all “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” and it was horrible. I’ve been narrowly avoiding being dinged by a foul ball a number of times. At a tournament recently, the parking was fairly close to the fields and I got a primo spot. However, I realized very early on (read: the first at-bat of the game) that it was in prime territory for getting hit by balls. Because a kid foul tipped a ball and it went sailing behind him, over the fence, bounced on the grass in front of my car, and hit my bumper. I moved the car immediately after that.
At that same game, not too much longer afterward, I got up to perhaps visit the porta john, and a ball came out of nowhere and bounced just a few feet in front of me. I didn’t even hear the usual cacophony of “HEADS UP!” that accompanies most foul balls. Why should it be heads up, when what you really want to do is put your head DOWN? Answer me that.
After a couple of other close calls, I determined that I have some kind of magnet thing happening when it comes to foul balls.
Last night, I finally got what was coming to me.
I was at the 5-year-old’s game, way out in the outfield in foul territory along the first base line, where my father-in-law remarked we were safely out of the way because NO WAY would a kid hit it to us.
We didn’t anticipate that there would be a kid on the team who I’m pretty sure was old enough to vote. This kid was massive – twice the size of my sweet little boy. Apparently, he was 7. I’m not buying that. He was oafish and took wild swings at the ball. He didn’t connect often, but when he did, it had some power behind it.
So he swings and makes contact with this ball and I see it coming toward me in slow motion. It’s headed straight for me, and I’m not going to be able to get out of the way, I know that. So what does this dumb ass do? I stick up my left leg, foot flexed, as if I’m going to let the ball deflect off my foot.
Yeah, that did nothing. The ball hit me square in my right thigh. My iPhone fell off my lap, and that was honestly my greatest concern. IS THE PHONE OK? As for my thigh, it felt like someone slapped me hard. It smarted for a couple minutes, then went away. I don’t even have a mark. The kid felt bad and apologized to me and I waved it off. No big whoop. Could’ve been worse!
Hopefully that was my one for the season and someone else will be the target from now on.