Powdered Lies

I am getting fat.

Don’t tell me I’m not; I know it’s the truth. And I know it’s because it’s so fucking cold out right now that all I’m doing is eating. And I’m not sitting around eating lettuce sandwiches with kale acting as the bread. I’m eating fried, sugar-laden, processed, not found in nature, junk food.

I can deny it for a while because my clothes still fit, but then I go to the doctor’s office and have to get weighed. Even though I try to look away because I don’t want to see the number, I gather from the look of disdain from the nurse that I’m a fat ass.

So for the past week, I’ve been trying to stop the insanity. How? By drastically cutting carbs and by purchasing a ginormous jar of protein powder. I got chocolate flavored powder, thinking it would taste good. Um, yeah, if by “good” you mean “like chocolate sawdust clumps,” then yes, it’s delicious.

Now that I have a giganto jar of this shit, I needed to find recipes of stuff to make other than a shake. I did a shake on the first day and it was disgusting. The next thing I tried was a “protein powder pancake.” Fucking gross. You basically mix protein powder and water together to form a “batter” and then you fry it in a pan like a pancake. It’s not a pancake, it’s a lie.

My latest experiment was mixing the powder with some plain Greek yogurt. Plain yogurt is just wrong. It tastes like what it actually is – something that’s spoiled and should be thrown away. I was hoping that by adding the chocolate powder to the yogurt it would magically turn into a delicious treat. Let’s do the math on that:

Gross tasting food + gross tasting food = delicious tasting food?

#nope

So I got some cocoa powder at the store and tried to add that “for more chocolate flavor” as my Pinterest recipe advised. Bleh. The thing is, it looked really good. It looked like something you’d want to eat, like some chocolate pudding or gelato. It was just awful. I finally caved and threw in some chocolate chips, which actually made it edible. As long as there was a chocolate chip in each bite.

I will say this. I haven’t been as hungry since eating these concoctions, but I have been in THE WORST MOOD EVER. I mean, honestly, who wouldn’t be crabby if they had to eat fake chocolate mixed with spoiled yogurt? I shouldn’t have to live like this. But the alternative is exercise and …

Protein powdered fro-yo it is!

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